You may have noticed that your mind can do some rude things during sex. Even if you aren’t worried about your work email, chores, or other stressors, you could get in your head about the act itself: Do I look weird right now? Are they having a good time?
Heads up: Getting stuck in your head during sex doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, says certified sex therapist Jennifer Wiessner, LCSW, CST. Because most of us are stressed, spend tons of time ruminating about the past or thinking about the future, and don’t know how to relax, literally anyone can experience this, Francis explains.
There’s so much stress in day-to-day life that we may only notice the mental load we’re carrying as soon as we slow down to enjoy ourselves, Francis says. That’s why your sex life may be the place these thoughts or stressors bubble up, she adds.
Aside from busy schedules and general stress, certain mental health concerns or conditions can also set you up for this annoying phenomenon (which might then snowball into sexual dysfunction). Wiessner says that, in her experience, people who are insecure about their bodies, have ADHD, or feel anxious a lot can have trouble getting out of their heads.
If you want to get more present and manage your overthinking brain during sex, we asked experts for their tips to do exactly that.
1. Make a mental note of what feels good.
Refocusing your attention on pleasure itself can disrupt the inner dialogue happening in your mind, says Francis. More specifically, grounding yourself in what feels, smells, sounds, looks, or tastes nice (your partner’s shampoo, the texture of your sheets) brings you back to the present moment and away from your annoying thoughts, she explains.
While that’s a great hack to use in the moment, it can be more effective on demand if you practice outside of the bedroom, says Francis. So, as you’re going about your day, pay extra attention to the things that make you feel good, she says. Does the couch you’re sitting on feel pillowy? Do you love the song that’s playing in the background? Whatever it is, sit with those good vibes and bring your attention back to them when you get distracted by something else. This little habit expands our capacity to notice and focus on pleasure, Francis says.
2. Consider this the next thing on your to-do list.
It can be hard to focus fully on pleasure when you feel like your calendar is overflowing with other responsibilities. So give yourself time to knock out a few to-dos before sex to help clear your head, says Francis. Send that email, run that errand, make that grocery list, send that calendar invite, then make intimacy the most important thing on your agenda. The rest can wait.
Sure, for some of us, that’s easier said than done. But try to remind yourself that there will always be something else to worry about. For now, you deserve to put pleasure first, says Francis.
3. In fact, literally block off time.
Having a dedicated time slot for intimacy makes space in your mind for connection and distinguishes it from other stuff on your calendar, says Francis. Maybe it’s not the sexiest thing ever, but popping sex on the cal like anything else you need to prioritize can help you look forward to and focus on the ~task~ at hand. “When we protect time for things, we can prepare our minds, energy, and spaces for the kind of experience we want to have,” she explains. That can help us feel less rushed and distracted.
4. Transition into relaxation mode.
If you don’t give yourself a transitional period to move into a chill mindset, it can be hard to get out of a productivity-over-everything perspective, notes Wiessner. Cue you still thinking about work stuff when you’re trying to do sexy stuff.
While any transitional activity that slows you down (like taking a hot bath, moving your body, or just watching TV) can work, Wiessner suggests this grounding exercise to mellow out before getting intimate:
For 15 slow breaths, imagine that each inhale you take is going to the places within your body that feel most tense. Imagine that tension releasing when you exhale.
For 10 more slow breaths, notice what you smell, taste, see, feel, or hear.
Finally, take 5 slow breaths while thinking about the enjoyable parts of sex: the pleasure, the person you’re with, etc.
5. Get comfortable.
Anxiety can impact your entire body—your heart might start beating fast, and you might feel restless, lightheaded, and (of course) distracted, says Francis. None of those things are very fun during sex. But prioritizing comfort when anxiety creeps in can squash those physical symptoms and the mental fog, she explains.
By creating an environment that encourages you to focus on pleasurable sensations, you’ll feel more in control of your experience and better in general. “Positive sensations trigger the release of feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine,” says Francis. “These hormones enhance mood and reduce stress, making it easier to stay present for pleasure.”
So, if you’re stressing about how you look, ask to change things up, says Francis. If it’s too quiet for you, put on music. Whatever makes you more comfy is fair game.
6. Forget about the finish.
Unfortunately, a lot of us get anxious about if or when an orgasm will happen. Part of that is because we’re wrapped up in the idea that an orgasm makes sex successful, says Wiessner. And when we’re focused on a particular goal, we miss the present moment, she adds. That can keep you from enjoying all the other great things about being with your partner or partners.
Reframing sex as pleasure-oriented instead of orgasm-oriented is one way to make sure you’re truly focused on enjoying yourself (and each other), regardless of whether or not a specific bodily function occurs, Wiessner explains. Give it a shot!
7. Be kind to yourself.
If you have a complicated relationship with your body, you might get overwhelmed with thoughts about what you look like while having sex. But replacing negative self-talk with kinder or more realistic thoughts can interrupt those self-critical spirals so you can focus on what really matters (enjoying the experience!), says Francis.
We know self-compassion doesn’t always come naturally, so ease into it by practicing being kind to yourself and your body outside of the bedroom first, Francis says. Look at yourself in the mirror and say one nice or neutral thing about yourself, she suggests.
Then, when you start thinking unkindly about your body during sex, pick a positive affirmation that’s reassuring. Whether it’s, This is about having fun, not looking perfect, or, I deserve pleasure, encourage yourself to let go of those self-critical thoughts and focus on what’s happening now, Francis says.
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